Perfect laugh over having brain surgery! Thank you to the artist Constantine. We are both on the same Facebook group for people with the Oligodendroglioma tumor type, and he created and shared with us!

UPDATE 28 AUG 2017: Constantine has also decided to have tees made with another design of his.  Any money he makes will be donated.  Most likely he has chosen the American Brain Tumor Association.  Will confirm!  Here’s the first release and ready to ORDER:

 

At the recent visit to see Dr. Etame, I finally remembered to ask him about what that song he was playing before the full operation.  I remember this song because he did an awake operation.  There are certainly some things and parts of the surgery I remember, but not all of it.  When he was at the start, waiting for something to be delivered to the room, I heard him singing along to the song below.  I had never heard it before, but I could feel the positivity coming in.  He also helped him to focus, I believe.  So, here is the “Burning Train” song with Teri Hai Zameen.

I’m proud to announce this is the first time eating out for a long time – I sure haven’t been able to leave the house long enough to place order, wait, and eat.  Yes, the prescriptions make me still nap a lot.  This sushi restaurant is one of our favorite spots.  And it’s called Mike’s!  Perfect!  Yes, I did have some points at the restaurant with some weird feelings of being out of it and nervous, then tired, then fine.  We made it through, and it was delicious! Very worth it to challenge myself and to heal.

Here we are:

Out to Eat - Yay! Out to Eat - Yay!

Yesterday was a good day overall. Got stuff done out back, cleaning in bedroom… Had a great Thai dinner and watched the sunset at Crystal Beach. Until last night going to bed when I realized it was Saturday and the operation is in a couple of days. I just got, well, scared. That is what is really scary to me. I admit it. I had some trouble getting to sleep. I just can’t let this fear take over these two days before the actual operation. Fuck, yes, it’s scary. Fuck yes, it’s scary!! But I don’t want to hide in myself and just be scared. I’ve been strong and I can continue. I will do my silly tasks around the house, like laying mulch and trimming the bushes out front and dividing the coleus. What I am realizing is that all these silly tasks really do mean a lot. The silly tasks Mike and my Mom and I have done over the past couple of weeks has made our house feel like a home again. We are moving clutter items into a staging area or just donating. It feels more open, more positive. A place to heal. And I realize that I have been treating myself and my husband improperly much more deeply than I thought by not “ignoring” my fear, but succumbing to it. Anxiety is dangerous. But that’s also why I see this as the negativity and anxiety I’ve held onto for so very long being literally taken out of my head. I don’t want it anymore. It holds me back way too much. Again, that’s why I am looking at this with THANKS. The crap is literally being pulled out of my head. YEEESSSSS!! And I think it will never come back. I’ve been chatting with Mike about this for a while and he probably thinks I’m crazy. But I think now that we have been literally clearing out our home, he sees it as well. Our bedroom felt so open and lovely yesterday afternoon – no dust, no darkness – just taking down the blinds was amazing. I want to use this openness and positivity to help others. I’ve had these thoughts for a while as well, just wasn’t sure how/where to focus them. Still not 100% sure, but a website will be a start. Mike is encouraging me to write a bio – it is amazing how many people have brain tumors and not much is discussed. Maybe that’s a good thing? Survival rates? At any rate, despite my immense fear, I am focusing on focusing on the positive. It’s the little things that add up each day. No, I haven’t learned how to let go of everything, but I’ve learned to let go of a lot more. And when one opens up, one can allow the light to come in. I want to help other people to see that as well.

The outpouring of love from so many people around – friends, family, friends of friends. It’s truly awesome. We really don’t understand the power we have. And all the negativity from the superfast internet revolution has actually pushed the power down. I feel it now. It was there all along and I was ignoring it. It makes me mad at myself and sad for myself. But then glad for myself. So glad I see it now. I don’t know what is going to happen with all this. But I believe I will heal pretty fucking close to 100% and I want to use this to produce more good in the world. I’ve got to stop closing myself off from so much goodness and so many good people. No, people aren’t perfect, but everyone tries!

So excited!  I recently started my new position, E-Commerce Manager, at Smart Living Home & Garden.  I’m still updating and re-learning a lot of things on the wholesale side.  Weird, that I’ve been in retail for over 10 years at Target and before that was in wholesale for many years at Calvin Klein in NYC.  I missed the wholesale a lot, and I am really loving to get back into that side.

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