Diary: Sat, 20 Aug 2016

It’s been just over two weeks since I was diagnosed as having a brain tumor.  Wow.  Now, I understand why I haven’t written anything in an overwhelming situation.  Also, finally remembering that writing has helped me so much over the years. Yes, I have a brain tumor.  I have to use this space as a mental clear out.  So there will be diatribes, and I give myself permission.  Normally, I would want something structured and organized.  But no, this is all about me and I will let the diarrhea flow. I guess you can see I am still slightly in shock.

In a few days, they will saw through my skull and suck out as much tumor material as they can.  We will then decide post op treatment for any remnants – radiation, chemo, chemo pills, etc. I am scared.  But at the same time, I am so very lucky and fortunate.  It truly could be so much worse…the list is endless!  I am attempting to not focus on the fear, but it pops up.  I really thought I was having acute anxiety attacks and might have to go into the mental hospital.  I had them back at 9/11, then smaller points afterwards.  But the therapists I had been to before had taught me some good tools.  Even starting at a new job with some great people, the attacks were continuing.  In a way it is good, because I did start to think about me – what was I doing to be happy, with myself, with my marriage, with my family, with my friends.  I was starting to realize I had pushed so much away and built a big wall.  And now they will be literally sucking the shit (and the wall?) out of my head.  Take it away! I don’t want to hold on to things that don’t matter anymore.  It took me 41 years, but that’s ok!

When I think about what I want to do in the future, I always say help people.  It seems so simple, but we should be here for each other.  And there is so much negativity all the time on TV, internet, etc, it gets me down.  I have had many realizations this year – good ones.  And this is the biggest – and I ask myself: Have I allowed this to grow in me?  Maybe.  But I’m letting the past and the detritus go.  It has only been two weeks and I can feel the difference.

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