Diary: 4/11/2018 – Let It Happen

I haven’t listened to this song in a while.  Especially since an operation that removed the brain tumor in my head.

Now, I understand why it moved me so much at that time.  I was close to not being here anymore.

“I heard about a whirlwind that’s coming ’round
It’s gonna carry off all that isn’t bound, and
When it happens, when it happens (I’m gonna be holding on)
So let it happen, let it happen

All this running around
I can’t fight it much longer
Something’s trying to get out
And it’s never been closer
If my ticker fails
Make up some other story
But if I never come back
Tell my mother I’m sorry”
I guess I did know there was something going on in my head.  I was always afraid to die.  I still am, but it is slight.  I was really close to that.  I mean, that tumor has been growing in my head for over 30 years!  The doctors don’t even believe it.  Most people wouldn’t make it that far.
The biggest surprise to me was the symptom listed as seizures, headaches, and personality changes.  I thought I had anxiety attacks, but those were mini-seizures.  I had headaches, but I thought that was just due to stress at work. A personality change?  Nope, I felt like I was me.  But now, a year and a half after the surgery, I feel like myself again.  So, yes, I did change a lot over the past 5 or 6 years.  I had to focus on the things right in front of me or nothing would be done.  This includes friends.  I now feel guilty that I didn’t stay in touch with some close friends.  I know they don’t understand.  They are probably mad at me.  It is what it is.  I understand their anger.  I hope they can see and understand what was happening to me.
There are some friends that get it.  I am still rather embarrassed to talk to some people because I still forget names and words as I am talking.  That seems to be fine when I am thinking — lol!  I still get randomly tired.  But, overall, I am healing and getting back to myself. I am glad that I do have friends and family that do want to stay friends.
The good thing about this song? A certain style of a happy ending:

“Will not vanish, you will not scare me

Try to get through it, try to push through it
You were not thinking that I will not do it
They be lovin’ someone and I’m another story
Take the next ticket, get the next train
Why would I do it?
Anyone’d think that
Maybe I was ready all along
Oh baby, I was ready all along
Maybe all I wanted was the sound of a memory
I was ready all along”
Now, I’m going to let it happen, but it’s in positivity and going with the flow.  I can’t take on the problems of others.  I will help friends, but they have to make their own decisions.  I can’t override them with my attention that isn’t worth much to them at this time.

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